Please note this blog now has a new home – http://www.comedicus.co.uk

Please note this blog now has a new home – http://www.comedicus.co.uk

Sorry for any inconvenience.

#lol – Shopping at Woolworths

One day, in a queue at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.

“There’s a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth’s. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs £20…..a lot quicker than a doctor.”

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits the money, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.” Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits his money, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer (1st floor).

5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

Amazing – landscapes made out of food by a guy called Carl Warner

The British photographer Carl Warner created a series of photos using only food to make the scenery. “Foodscapes” (union of the words food and landscape) show underwater caves, forests, beaches at sunset, and even waterfalls, using fruits, vegetables, cheese, cold meat, pasta, and other grains.

Click on the following link to view the presentation: foodscape13

(If you don’t have Powerpoint, a free viewer can be downloaded here: http://tinyurl.com/mspwrpt)

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough; remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full… The students responded with an unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – family, children, health, spirituality, friends, and favourite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else – the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So…

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

‘Take care of the golf balls first – the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.

‘I’m glad you asked’.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

#riddles – 5 riddles to sharpen your brain cells

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.

The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

Try to do so without any coaching!

Answers – scroll down

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1. The third room. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?

#lol – They walk among us…

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale 50.” The next day someone stole it.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted….”Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and said…”where???”

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the coast. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.

I told the girl at the restaurant that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder.

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk…

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?” I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned…

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “Has your plane arrived yet?”…

While working at a pizza take-away I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I’m not hungry enough for 6″.

#lol – Confucius says…

A man who run in front of a car get tired.

A man who run behind a car get exhausted.

A man with one chopstick go hungry.

A man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

A man who eat many prunes get good run for his money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

A wife who put her husband in a doghouse soon finds him in a cathouse.

A man who drives like hell, bound to get there.

A man who lives in a glass house should change clothes in the basement.

A man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

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